there are days where i think about the life i used to live. you know, the one that I was active in church, with weekday and weekend appointments packed to the brim, and with friends from birth years that get more and more ridiculous with each passing year. yes, it’s the same one that I had to write too many christmas cards for. yeah, that one. i call it my past life.
i guess today’s feast day food and fun fair at st mary’s reminded me of those times. well the parish isn’t the same but the setting is definitely familiar. and as I left the church compound for my car, I wanted to leave very quickly and not look at the direction of the festivities. what really puzzled me was why i had do that.
had to? or want to? be honest to yourself, bryan.
i guess it’s partly cause such scenes remind me of the past - the good times and the feeling of being part of this larger community. and I know very well that I havent buried the hatchet for the reasons and people that brought about the destruction of this really special community. i am not such a forgetful person unfortunately. and a reminder of that loss brings back all that negativity. i have always fearful of becoming part of another closely knit community. experiencing that sort of helplessness and heartbreak again is simply too much for me to handle again.
along with the community, time also weathered away the friendships I had built with those group of church friends - the ones whom I used to meet up almost every day. hectic school life and the new lifestyle is one reason. but my lack of effort is another. why this lack of effort to do so is another mystery to me.
can these still be called friendships? friendships were meant for a lifetime werent they? am i worthy of being called a friend?
i am not complaining about my present way of life. don’t get me wrong. the deliberate and conscious choices i have made has got me here and i am not regretting them. however, how my past life and circle of friends slipped through my fingers without me even giving a fight is not something that doesn’t bother me either. i have always asked god why vultus crucis had to end._ yes, I am still asking that question and I am not over it; there wasnt quite enough closure for me._ the quandry that I live today is the result of that - contented and free on one hand because I am able to follow my dream, do creative work and actually have time for myself yet on the other hand feel like I am missing something larger.
can that be truly called contented and free? can the two lives co-exist?
maybe that is the way life is meant to be. as an adult I will need to learn how to cope with the decisions I make and not regret. maybe it is about time I stop looking back and just look forward. stop lamenting over spilled milk. as one grows older, it is probably wiser to be a little forgetful so it becomes manageable and therefore more fulfilling.
